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My wife, Lucy, is fearful that her four cats are going to get trapped inside the walls of our house. And it’s my job, as a woodworker, to prevent this from happening.
Before you think I should have her committed to the Cat Rancher Institute for Disturbed Females, let me explain.
Right after graduating college, the plumbing in our apartment bathroom melted down. So we went to work “French style” (rustically unshaven and unbathed) while the plumber took apart our pipes.
When I returned home, the plumbing was fixed, but our tabby had disappeared. I looked outside. No cat. After calling for her I could hear her meowing, but she was nowhere to be found. Eventually I unscrewed the plumbing access door next to the shower and found the tabby amongst the pipes , she had sneaked in while the plumber was working.
Years passed. My wife’s nightmares about the incident faded. We bought an old house. After a couple years the drain in the upstairs bathroom disintegrated, so when my oldest daughter took a bath it started raining in the dining room.
To fix the problem, the plumber had to cut an access hole to get to the pipes. When he left, the daily rainfall had stopped in the dining room, but there was an 8″ square hole in the bathroom wall.
This time two cats disappeared. I think one made a nest in there. My wife stopped cutting the pills in half.
We rescued the cats and taped up the hole. I vowed to make an access door that matched the bathroom’s dÃ?©cor. After all, it would take just a few hours to build with my woodworking skills.
That was 11 years ago. And I have yet to begin the project.
Why do I hate home improvement projects? After all, I’m going to use the same tools. Plus wood, glue and finish. What’s not to like?
During a focus group years ago, one woodworker explained it so perfectly that it has stuck with me to this day.
It’s like oats, he said. “I hate oatmeal,” he explained. “And I have to eat it every day for my health. But I love oatmeal cookies.”
This morning I took pity on my poor spouse, measured the dang hole and made a SketchUp drawing of the door. I have just enough cherry left over from my last project to make this access panel.
I guess I like the smell of oatmeal better than I like the smell of rotting cat carcasses trapped in the walls. But it’s a bit of a tossup.
– Christopher Schwarz
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