Chris Schwarz's Blog

Ridiculous Woodworking Books

Everybody has a list of woodworking books they enjoy and a stack of woodworking books that they never should have bought (anything with “Krenovian birdhouses” in the title). And most woodworkers have a list of woodworking books that they wish would get published someday.

That is not what we are writing about today. Below are the books that should never see the light of day. Or are simply ridiculous. Joel Moskowitz, the founder of Tools for Working Wood, came up with 11 sample titles below. Have a look:

“The Complete Guide To Honing Guides”
“Woodworking and Intellectual Property Law for Forum Posters”
“Lost in a Tool Tray – The Search for the Hidden Marking Knife”
“Seven Excuses for not Finishing Your Kitchen Cabinets”
“Tool Purchase Budgeting”
“Interesting Uses for Rarely Used Tools”
“101 Party Suggestions for those ‘I’ve Finished a Project’ Parties”
“Popular Woodworking’s Guide to the Writings of Chris Schwarz”
“How to Increase Productivity When You Have Internet Access At Work”
“How to Make Your Own Folding Chairs”
“A Price Guide to Lie-Nielsen Boxes and Packing Materials”

Of course, Joel’s list prodded me to make up my own. I don’t know if I can top that “price guide” book. That one almost made me soil myself. Here goes:

“$10 Bed Rocks and Unicorns that Poop Rainbows”
“Make Your Own BBQ Grill — From Wood!”
“Craft Fair Crap”
“Still More Craft Fair Crap”
“‘Nice Crotch!’ and 600 Other Naughty-sounding Woodworking Terms”
“How to Murder Trees and Make Stuff With Their Flesh”
“Plywood Silhouettes of Famous French Monarchs”
“I Hate Tools That Cost More than $1 (And the People Who Buy Them)”
“How to Make $40,000 a Year at Woodworking” (Oops, this actually is a real book!)

OK humorous woodworkers. Here’s your chance. Leave the title of your most ridiculous imaginary book in the comments below. By the way, this is all a joke. So if you’re going to leave an angry comment, I’m going to roll my eyes.

– Christopher Schwarz

89 thoughts on “Ridiculous Woodworking Books

  1. Keith Mealy

    "I have more than enough clamps, and other woodworking myths"

    "PopWood Guide to Flannel Shirts, Annual Issue 2009"

    "Having the Right Tools Sure Makes It Easy" subtitle "And Other Comments by Clueness Neighbors that Need a Hand"

    "Complete Guide to Gorilla Glue Foam-out Removal"

    "Ex-Custom Furnituremaker’s Guide to Paying Off IRS Debts."

  2. Shawn

    It’s all Bloodwood: A species by species guide with over 500 pictures. Maple bloodwood, walnut bloodwood….

    Wipe: A guide to making toilet paper from sawdust and shavings. You are bound to clean up with this book.

    I could make that! antiquing with the wife, staying on a budget.

  3. Greg

    Hilarious & far too accurate in depicting my attempts to act the "Master Craftsman" over the past 40+ years of woodworking. It’s damn good to know that I’m not the only old coot that has made so.o.o many mistakes with expensive wood & lived to laugh about it.

  4. Jonathan Szczepanski

    "Blood Stain, the Green Alternative"

    "I don’t need no stinking fingers – the idiot’s guide to woodworking"

    "Wood. Grind. Crotch. A walk through Woodworking’s Red-Light District"

  5. Mike Grawvunder


    Love your inspiration for this blog. I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

    Having done the craft show circuit for many years I have some additional titles for you.

    Craft Show Sales: Fact or Fiction

    How to properly price your craft show sales pieces. (Sub-title: How to secret shop the other woodworking vendors to find out how much they are charging for the same items you made.)

    How to successfully give away and donate all the items made for craft shows that magazines and books said were a sure seller every time.

    Why other crafters sell items from patterns I designed and I can’t give the item away.

    Craft Show Sales: How to make thousands of dollars per year without trying hard

    One or two weekends a year and the amazing money that can be made for just a few hours time.

    The beginners guide for the craft sale crafter: There are no costs for just a little of your time and other myths.

    In spite of the silly titles above, doing the craft shows was a lot of fun and a great experience. Hope didn’t offend anyone as this is all in fun.

  6. Jim

    Jigs for left handed pink french door stops 2nd edition"plus "The compete guide to waxing your turtle" "how to train your dogs not to cheat at cards" "Woodworkers guide to auto repair while carving" "how to avoid friendly people while bowling" How to interrogate your neighbors cat""avoiding trees with bad attitudes.
    "How to Uninstall screens doors in you submarine under water" Seven steps to cleaner dirt"" choosing the correct deoderant by taste"" How to draw air with you eyes closed"" fleas not just for circuses any more"How to itch your ear while rowing a boat and eating a banana"" ducks in history""How nose hair effects your jogging ""How snakes ride bikes"what gorillas do in the mist"" 37 things LJ can stand for""recipes for things you don’t eat""Sleeping the plague of the century""what flies think about""Sawdust the perfect salt substitute"

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