Woodshop Limerick Contest

And the Moto-Saw Winner is…

 In Shop Blog, Woodworking Blogs

First, thanks to all of you who entered – I had a hard time deciding on a winner. In the end, I guess I’ll have to chalk up the winning entry to my sometimes-sophomoric sense of humor. And without further ado:

Congratulations to Ronald_T, for his winning limerick:

I once tried to chisel a mortise,
But my mallet was too soft and porous;
If this happens to you,
The blue pill won’t do,
You’ll just end up distracted and ferrous

And for those of you reading this for the first time, the original post follows:

Christopher Schwarz, in keeping with the philosophy he espouses in “The Anarchist’s Tool Chest,” has been culling his tool collection and keeping only those he truly needs. At the recent Lie-Nielsen Hand Tool show at our office, he was selling some of his less-than-necessary tools (I succumbed to tool lust and bought his 18″ Lufkin) – but not everything sold.

Did he take the unsold tools home with him? No. No he did not. So I’m getting rid of them. Herewith, I issue this challenge:

Because the Moto-Saw (a motorized coping saw) strikes me as wholly ridiculous (I mean really – for the type of cut one would make with a coping saw, how hard is it to move one’s arm back and forth?!), I’m holding a ridiculous contest. Write a limerick about woodworking tools, the woodshop, projects or anything related to woodworking and post it in the comments below (keep it clean – PG-13 at worst, please). The one that makes me laugh – or better yet, snort – the most wins the Moto-Saw. You have until Friday at noon.

Here’s mine:

The Moto-Saw got some new wires
To keep it from starting a fire.
But poor Sparky got scorched
So we’re passing the torch
To a woodshop with burning desires.

You can read about Chris’s acquisition of the Moto-Saw here – and find out why one of his nicknames is Sparky.

— Megan Fitzpatrick


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Showing 39 comments
  • Marlon1

    “You can read about Chris’s acquisition of the Moto-Saw here – and find out why one of his nicknames is Sparky.”

    Now we know why he has started his pursuit of the lost art….

  • jhloggins

    As a woodworker Meghan’s unmatched;
    In fact she works unattached.
    That’s a skill with hand tools,
    And she suffers no fools,
    But a sharp guy would find her a catch!

    The early woodworker, a joiner,
    Made things of great beauty–nothing plainer.
    Meghan’s shown some great skills,
    And learned from her ills,
    That the best work oft’ times needs a partner.

  • oldfox

    In case I should win this great prize
    I think it is just the right size
    I’ll build it a table
    of which I am able
    I just like to accessorize

  • matbel

    There once was a man name of Chris,
    who thoughts of more tools would dismiss.
    But, though his saw skills had nary a flaw,
    he tried an old Moto Saw,
    to see if it’s copes would be bliss!

  • oldfox

    The Moto-Saw without a cord
    will thrill you whenever you’re bored
    just think of poor Chris
    so happy ’bout this
    that someone else the saw has scored

  • Tom

    Reflecting on tools that didn’t work, I offer the following laments:

    There once was a man from West Fane,
    Who bought him a razor blade plane,
    He put in a sharp blade,
    But no shavings it made,
    So he sold it to a guy up in Maine.

    This guy bought him a tool at the fair,
    “Will remove paint!” the showman did swear,
    When at home this to prove,
    The paint wouldn’t remove,
    So he threw it in a drawer in despair.

    I bought me some tools at a meet,
    This screwdriver really looked sweet,
    After buying the tool,
    Found it wasn’t so cool,
    Cuz the handle was loose, wouldn’t seat!

    At an auction bought tools as a lot,
    And some of them looked really hot,
    But upon close inspection,
    (and further reflection,)
    I had bought things that I should have not.

  • dbskal@md.metrocast.net

    I saw this saw for the first time right here, your write-up was clever, and the saw I found dear.
    The saw it’s a classic, the concept is great, why wear out your arm, when you can sit and just wait?
    I would cherish this tool, for its use as intended; I am begging you Megan with my handshake extended.
    I deserve this fine tool and will put it to use, and to you I promise it will see no abuse.
    Let me have it and to all I will show, that the arms back and forth motion is really quite slow….

  • BoWoodworker

    I do have burning desires
    And experience at working with wires
    So please pass me the torch
    With it I’ll work on my porch
    Though it will take much longer than fires!

    I sure hope it doesn’t arc, EEK!
    I could end up much worse than Sparky
    That would ruin my day
    But then, what the hey
    Moto-Saws are real cool, no malarkey!

  • oldfox

    If you want to do beautiful work
    then go where the good old tools lurk
    see Schwarz for the best
    the cope is a jest
    when it’s gone he’ll rest with a smirk

  • Bradinsc

    “I could really use a moto-saw!”
    WHY? Megan asked with GALL!
    Are you lazy,
    or just plain CRAZY?
    Neither, I explained,
    somewhat ashamed…
    I can mess up jobs whilst manually coping,
    an electric one would solve that issue, I am hoping!

  • oldfox

    There once was a craftsman named Megan
    who’s workbench she thought to be pagan
    she built a new bench
    that’s fit for the wench
    so then the old bench just went beggin

  • tms

    There once was a sawyer named Chris,
    who’s tools gave him nothing but bliss.
    But while adjusting his fleam, he let out a scream,
    for the gullet and rake, he had missed.

  • oldfox

    There once was a mallet called Mongo
    who went up against the great deadblow
    then came the great test
    to see who was best
    and poor deadblow had to bow real low

  • sqmorgan

    OK Miss Megan…A little cheesy, but:

    The fledgling group Dremel of old,
    Sold plug-in hand saws, I’m told.
    Only one of their gizmos would sell;
    At their designers they started to yell,
    And now their tools spin fast for gold!

  • dragoondr

    A joiner named Schwartz,
    A saw of sorts,
    A Megan who snorts??
    This contest supports

  • Vinny

    At first sight, I thought the Moto-Saw was a toy for the tots.
    Then, I read it’s not safe for those little snots.
    If I had this thing for myself,
    I would never take it off the shelf.
    And I think, I rather play with the box.

  • Bill Wiese

    There once was a shop cat named Megan
    Who thought she was the queen of peging
    A vice she thought nice
    It’s better then mice
    Now she’s cinching up trice on the slogging.

  • tomruff

    Since my tool budget is currently zero, I am compelled to send an entry for your Moto-Saw giveaway!

    A woodworker friend name of Abel,
    Now older is much less ca-pable.
    So when sawing or coping,
    Instead of just moping,
    Holds on while his wife shakes the table.

  • smithdal

    Ginger Workshop*

    There once was a Wood-noggin fool,
    Who tippled with most every tool,
    He sampled this, and he sampled that,
    Til he didn’t know where he was at,
    Now he teaches at all the best schools.

    He knew a fine Ginger called Meeghan,
    Whose pref’rences ran Lizzybeethan,
    She caught his disease,
    (Let’s hope from a sneeze!),
    Now for better old tools she’s ableatin’.

    In time with his kindly instruction,
    Ginger Workshop set up quite a ruction,
    Toward dovetail she headed,
    But twas shovetails she bedded,
    With her saucy new modes of construction.

    Ginger wearied ere long of his spelching,
    E’en far worse than that was his belching,
    As mechanic he’s rude,
    (E’en mortised his food),
    And the whole thing just got to be squelching.

    He’d set out to make rough places plane,
    But drove everyone there quite insane,
    He rasped and he hammered,
    On videos he stammered,
    Til nothing there was left to gain.

    So now to the end of our story,
    Whose details wax all Blood and Gore-y,
    Wood-noggin moved out,
    Ginger Workshop’s apout,
    Til comes the next piece for draw-boring.

    *With apologies to Chris, Megan, Robert Burns, Edward Lear, Eugene Field, Larry Gelbart, Benjamin Moxon, writers of The Holy Bible, and pretty much anybody who ever pushed a noun up against a verb toward useful purpose.

    • Cosmo

      Wow, looks like Smithdal is a professional poet.

      • marmadoon

        Or knot.

  • Moontoad

    There lived an inventor named Friss
    whose wife sought mechanical bliss.
    His solution didn’t cut it.
    He couldn’t bear to gut it,
    so sold it to suckers like Chris.

  • zdillinger

    My (hopefully) PG-13 entry:
    There once was a joiner named Ewing
    Who had a strong penchant for screwing
    “No pilot holes in my work,”
    He said with a smirk,
    “There’s plenty I’d rather be doing”

  • gumpbelly

    A young man wanted to buy himself a tool
    His Father said he was nothing but a fool
    But it`s for woodworking he accorded
    Well that thing is corded, and if you get wet you will be shorted
    The hand tool salesman thought old Dad was pretty cool

  • madhun

    There once was a man with a Moto,
    Who gave up his power in toto.
    He gave with a wink
    A saw that does stink,
    But sure does look good in a photo.

  • Harry

    Hi Megan, here’s one from Kenya:

    There’s many a tool in my chest
    But some of them were but a jest.
    The Moto Saw’s one –
    Bought just for fun,
    Though some say it is the best.

    Keep up the great work.

  • Bill Lattanzio

    There once was a temptress named Meg
    Who offered a saw to us dregs
    To win it she sang
    You must kiss Bob Lang
    So for that I must drink a whole keg.

  • Fair Woodworking

    I don’t know if this is that funny, but I thought it up while in the shower… That’s not funny either, it’s just plain weird.

    And a little creepy…

    There once was a writer named Chris
    Who was sad ’cause he’d never been kissed
    So he tried working wood
    Found out he was good
    and then turned into an Anarchist

  • Torch02

    There once was a hand tool snob
    Who bought a saw that made him sob
    Then the redhead got stuck
    With a saw short on its luck
    So she threw it to the literary woodworking mob

    This all became a blog post
    Whose comments crashed the webhost
    The tool-huddled masses
    Then lifted their glasses
    Giving that saw a Friar’s Club roast

  • tsangell

    All good limericks start out in Nantucket,
    with a man and his corn as he shucks it.
    But I’m carried away
    and I’ll save for a day
    all the reasons why this saw can suck it.

  • James Vroman

    There was a woodworker named Schwarz
    Who was a tool aficionado of sorts
    But a powered tool
    Was against his rule
    So he gave it to Megan of course

    Megan – Aren’t you glad that limerics have only 5 lines 😉

  • dpalko

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Whose job was to ship ten large buckets
    He found a young knave
    To carve eighty staves
    And earned the merchant his cocket

  • Ronald_T

    My understanding of Limericks is that they should be at least a little raunchy so here’s my PG-13 attempt:

    I once tried to chisel a mortise,
    But my mallet was too soft and porous;
    If this happens to you,
    The blue pill won’t do,
    You’ll just end up distracted and ferrous.

  • jamescull

    There once was a man from Arkansas
    Among his tools was a Moto Saw
    His skill with wire
    Almost set him on fire
    So we’re keeping him safe with a draw

  • thejoinersapprentice

    There once was a joiner called chris
    Who’s moto-saw he would never miss
    He left it behind for Megan to find
    So now she is sending me this!

    • thejoinersapprentice

      (I should say that I actually don’t want it, consider mine just an honorary entry)

      • B Jackson

        So, this be my first in many a day
        Of your desire for honor I must say
        Turning down a freebie
        I cannot really see
        So just win it and sell it on E-bay

      • jwaldron

        Is that why your “linerick” is in apprentice form? No last line?

        • oldfox

          Third and fourth lines are melded. Know what meld means? TYPO!! Kinda like your spelling of “”linerick””
          Be nice.

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