Chris Schwarz's Blog

WIA T-shirt Slogan Contest

This year we are going to sell T-shirts at Woodworking in America. I swear this on a stack of Joseph Moxons. But we need your help.

You see, we’d like to have a humorous slogan on the shirt, but we’re not funny enough to come up with anything suitably clever. All our slogans sound something like:

“Show me your feathered crotch!” (That was mine.)

“Wanna feel my fleam?” (Megan.)

“Gee, I’ve got cramps.” (Megan, Glen and me.)

“I got hammered at WIA.”

And so on.

So we’d like you to help us craft a slogan for our T-shirts. We’re shooting for seven words or less. And it would be great if the slogan was funny, unlike ours. And it would be great if you could wear it to a church picnic, unlike ours.

So post your entries in the comments below before noon EST on Friday, Aug. 20. The winner will receive a T-shirt (surprise!), untold fame and Bob Vila’s flowery underpants (shown above, not actual size, offer not valid in Guam).

– Christopher Schwarz

P.S. Woodworking in America is sold out, but you can still get on the waiting list or come for the un-freaking-believable Marketplace (just $7 for two days). Check it out here.

107 thoughts on “WIA T-shirt Slogan Contest

  1. Jamie Ray

    Woodworking in America:

    Where its not the size of your tool,
    But how you use it that counts!

  2. John Orvis

    Some times an extension is just a table.
    Got Scales? Go fish.
    Location, location, location. Measure twice.
    In a land before longitude.
    Let there be light but we got MDF.
    Birthers should be sawn -not heard.
    On the 7th day he rested and watched Norm.
    And Noah yet asks -what’s a cubit?
    All’s fair in love and wood.
    All the world is a stage and it’s wood mind ye.

  3. Dave Bruce

    in reference to an old Buick commercial:
    Front: Wouldn’t you rather drive a nail through it
    Back: Just say no to plastic furniture

  4. Dana Christensen

    How about:
    "That’s NOT firewood, its my next project"
    "If you wanna be a millionaire, start woodworking with 2million"
    "These aren’t a bunch of tools, their my kids inheritance"
    "I thought I knew a lot, I went to WIA, now I have a lot to learn"
    "WIA, only for the strong at heart"

  5. Nat Adams

    or more simply:

    Our vices are plane.

    Do you really want to say ‘the log won’ at a conference like this? Funny but a bad reflection on the toolmakers, not to mention the craftsmen!

  6. Randy Asher

    "I Work for Tools"
    "Ask Yourself… What Wood Norm Do?"
    "My Friends are a Bunch of Tools"
    "Wood You Be Mine"
    "I (heart) Wood… Because I’m a Tool"
    "May the Grain be with You"
    "Pimp my Wood"
    "Everyone Loves my Wood"
    "Been There… Sawed That."

  7. jim williams

    I’ll take the sticks and you get the stones…

    What can you do with your wood ???

    What will you do with your wood ???

  8. George Clark

    Front: WIA 2010 in small letters

    Back: Large single color graphic of Chris
    with WIA 2010 in larger letters

    I’m not sure if this would be considered humorous but I’d buy one.


  9. Brian Geffre

    1)WIA (in government block letters)
    So much better than the CIA

    Here to establish wood domination

    3) WIA
    Our goal is wood domination

  10. Don Williams

    Fundamental Forces of the Cosmos

    Strong Interatomic Forces
    Weak Interatomic Forces

    Any Questions?

  11. Ed in Lawrence, KS

    WIA Cincinnati – Strop ’til You Drop

    WIA – Knatty Nickers For Everyone (front)
    Working Wood With Handtools – Never Out Of Fashion (back)

  12. Larry

    If you can read this, you’re probably in my shop–don’t touch ANYTHING!

    Measure twice Cut once Sit in the moaning chair

    runcinavi, serravi, superavi
    (I planed, I sawed, I conquered)

    Craftsmen do it on the edge (may not pass the church-picnic test. and I’m not even certain whether I like it or not, but there you go…)

    How about just the word "Craftsman" on the front? No, it’s not funny, but it might be kinda cool…

    I’ll probably come back for a third round, at least…

  13. Larry

    "and you will know us by the trail of sawdust."

    borrowing, if I remember correctly, from C. Schwarz:"holding furniture-shaped objects in disdain since 2009"

    "You’re doing it wrong!"

    "Ask me about my duplex fillister" (or moving fillister…or whatever’s funny…if anything along these lines is…sigh…)

    As always, I’ll probably come up with more right after I post this, so…


    If woodworking be the food of love then plane on.

    Come and wedge your tenon at WIA.

    I got my tenon wedged at WIA.

    I’m with the crook.

    Finger joint with a picture of a finger and a joint!

    Apparently I go against the grain.

    If I see another chisel I’ll skew!



  15. Jeff Jones

    Wooworking is easy when you don’t know how, but very difficult when you do.

    Thou shalt not covet my tools.

    Tools make the man.

  16. Jon

    Picture of dividers followed by:
    "Divide and Conquer"

    or a slight modification of the one above (Jeremy Kriewaldt’s):
    "All my other shirts are flannel"

    Jon Shakespear

  17. Geoff Malange

    WIA 2010
    I CAME.
    I SAW.
    I …

    … actually, can I borrow some money for food.

    Real Galoots eat nails for breakfast.

    Ya … well you’ve got a big Galootius Maximus!

  18. Geoff Malange

    How about :

    Hug a Galoot


    If woodworking were exercise you could bounce a quarter off my butt

    Geoff M

  19. Patrick

    1. WIA – Where all joints are legal.
    2. WIA – Woodworking in America is W_here I_ts A_t!
    3. Its more than plane – its fantastic.
    4. Not so plane anymore!
    5. Its not about the tool – its what you did with it.
    6. So much wood, so little time.

  20. SeanA

    First, who goes to church picnics anymore? And if you are clever enough, the people who are pure enough to get offended won’t get the joke (^:

    Just make sure it is funny. (Not saying my ideas below will be!)

    >>WIA: More tools in one place than ComicCon

    >>WWRD? (subtitle: What Would Roubo Do?)

    >>I cut it twice and it’s still too short! (full disclosure: somebody’s forum signature on WN or SMC)

    >>Honey, I can build that much cheaper!

    >>Top 10 Woodworking phrases that sound dirty but aren’t:
    _____I can’t get it to go in the hole!
    _____Is this wood too hard?
    _____Darn, I just stripped my nuts!
    _____Just pound it in!
    _____Aim for a friction fit.
    _____Don’t clamp it too tight or you’ll get squeeze out
    _____Rub out the finish
    _____Proper layout is critical
    _____Big Wood Vise
    _____Tails first

    (need help with more here but you get the idea!)

  21. Dan Miller

    Front: What does Rev. Ron, St. Roy and the Schwarz have in common?
    Back Wood Working in America 2010

  22. Laurie Grace

    Wood-plane fun

    Wood-The original green material

    It’s knot a mistake, it’s a design enhancement!

    Sawdust? What sawdust? (with a picture of a sawdust covered woodworker)

    Saw dust? I saw wood!

    Why yes, that Is a chip on my shoulder!


  23. David V

    WIA 2010 Remix – Unplugged
    (It’s like an obscure band you never heard of, but even cooler)

  24. JJ O'Neill

    (graphic of plane)
    Wore a plane shirt at the WIA

    (graphic of rabbet joint)
    I’m hunting screwy rabbets at the WIA

    (graphic of joint)
    Happiness is Tongue and Groove

    (Graphic of wood vice)
    Woodworking is my favorite Vice

  25. Ron

    I’m plane fun.

    I’m into plane fun.

    Just plane fun.

    Sorry, I’m love aircraft too…… it’s hopeless. :p

  26. Gary Adams

    If it’s a caption for the photo at the beginning of the blog, I submit

    "Real Woodworkers Always Wear Jeans."

  27. Gary Adams

    Two columns: "Progress"

    30,000 BC Today

    Picture of sharp rock – Picture of handplane

    Picture of blunt rock – Picture of hammer

    Picture of caveman – Same picture of caveman

  28. Russell Bookout

    How about

    Woodworking – The third oldest profession.

    Actually, I like "Be a joiner…"

  29. Charles Davis

    — playing with the phonetically similar interpretation of WIA, WE-A…
    -If WIA can dream it… WIA can build it.
    (if too long can remove the "cans" and dispose of in the proper recycling bins)

  30. Rick Rutten

    A few ideas:

    WIA: Knot your average bunch of tools.
    Woodworkers are plane sharp people.
    Woodworkers: Not your average Knotheads.
    Be a joiner, start woodworking.
    Woodworking is green! And red and black and blue…
    Its not scrap, I am recycling..
    Blood, sweat, tears.. Who needs stain?
    Woodworking in America: Pioneering organic profanity since 1607.
    WIA 2010: Cut, gouged, scraped, hammered, planed, finshed. And I loved it!
    WIA 2010: So much fun its almost illeagal.


  31. Matt Stachoni

    "Turning Big Wood into Little Wood On Purpose"
    "Sawing Logs Since Sometime This Morning"
    "Someday, I Swear, I’m Gonna Build That Roubo"

  32. David

    Re comment 1 – My son said I should amend my recommendation by adding on the back of the shirt

    "And none of them are very sharp"

  33. Gene

    – Got Wood? (OK – doesn’t pass the church picnic test)
    – Woodworking in America – est. 1607 (see: Jamestown)
    – The Schwarz IS with me!
    – WIA: Hand Tools, Fine Woods and Puffy Shirts, Oh My!
    – WIA: Tools of Joy


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