Memo to Human Resources
Re: Throwing Axes by the Dumpster
Dear Sir or Madam,
As an employee of F+W Media Inc., I applaud the recent addition of yoga mats and treadmills to our exercise room. The sweet smell of sweat masks the odor of burned microwave popcorn and over-nuked fish from the adjacent cafeteria. And I think we could all use more exercise.
To that end, I propose we set up an axe-throwing range behind the dumpster near the Popular Woodworking Magazine shop. I will be happy to provide, at no charge, double-bitted axes, a stump target and training for the employees.
While F+W Media is not commonly associated with the Viking or Swedish heritage, I think the addition of an axe range would increase employee morale and hand-eye coordination (thereby reducing litter when employees miss the recycling bin as they pitch their empty pop cans).
Additionally, I believe an axe range could help employees settle internal disputes and give editors the upper-body strength needed to lift paperclips, cups of coffee and red editing pens without becoming winded. It also could lead to training our employees to pillage other media companies that we might acquire.
This week I learned to throw axes while at Lie-Nielsen Toolworks (yes, I know you sent me there to do work. This is work. Really.) Thomas Lie-Nielsen, the owner and founder of the company, gave me a short lesson in throwing the axes and had me up and running in five minutes.
– Christopher Schwarz
P.S. Are metal helmets with horns allowed under the F+W Media dress code? Just curious.