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This year we are going to sell T-shirts at Woodworking in America. I swear this on a stack of Joseph Moxons. But we need your help.

You see, we’d like to have a humorous slogan on the shirt, but we’re not funny enough to come up with anything suitably clever. All our slogans sound something like:

“Show me your feathered crotch!” (That was mine.)

“Wanna feel my fleam?” (Megan.)

“Gee, I’ve got cramps.” (Megan, Glen and me.)

“I got hammered at WIA.”

And so on.

So we’d like you to help us craft a slogan for our T-shirts. We’re shooting for seven words or less. And it would be great if the slogan was funny, unlike ours. And it would be great if you could wear it to a church picnic, unlike ours.

So post your entries in the comments below before noon EST on Friday, Aug. 20. The winner will receive a T-shirt (surprise!), untold fame and Bob Vila’s flowery underpants (shown above, not actual size, offer not valid in Guam).

– Christopher Schwarz

P.S. Woodworking in America is sold out, but you can still get on the waiting list or come for the un-freaking-believable Marketplace (just $7 for two days). Check it out here.

Product Recommendations

Here are some supplies and tools we find essential in our everyday work around the shop. We may receive a commission from sales referred by our links; however, we have carefully selected these products for their usefulness and quality.

Recent Posts
Showing 107 comments
  • I am a leg (vice) man.
    Everyone has a vice…mine is a twin screw.

  • Jamie Ray

    Woodworking in America:

    Where its not the size of your tool,
    But how you use it that counts!

  • Kevin Thomas

    Woodworking in America
    Cause it’s all about the

  • Jon

    WIA: Kinda like Woodstock, but with tools

  • Sam Rogers

    Woodworking in America: In the persuit of fewer heirloom toothpicks.

  • Don Clifton

    I’ve an AXE to grind with you! With a picture of Roy Underhill

  • John Orvis

    Some times an extension is just a table.
    Got Scales? Go fish.
    Location, location, location. Measure twice.
    In a land before longitude.
    Let there be light but we got MDF.
    Birthers should be sawn -not heard.
    On the 7th day he rested and watched Norm.
    And Noah yet asks -what’s a cubit?
    All’s fair in love and wood.
    All the world is a stage and it’s wood mind ye.

  • Gene Blodgett

    KNOT playing at WOOD-STOCK

  • Timothy Linnan

    "What a bunch of tools / None of them are very sharp"

  • Matthew Cianci

    Irritating wives since 2008.

  • Dusty Lenscap

    WIA: cool tools and the Wizard of Saws

  • Dusty Lenscap

    I got my case hardened at WIA.

  • Matthew Cianci

    We saw a lot
    Woodworking In America

  • Dusty Lenscap

    I hung out with the other squares at WIA

  • Dusty Lenscap

    WIA: Kerf’s Up!

  • Dusty Lenscap

    WIA: I put my axe into it.

  • Dusty Lenscap

    I went Log Wild at WIA.

  • Dave Bruce

    in reference to an old Buick commercial:
    Front: Wouldn’t you rather drive a nail through it
    Back: Just say no to plastic furniture

  • Dana Christensen

    How about:
    "That’s NOT firewood, its my next project"
    "If you wanna be a millionaire, start woodworking with 2million"
    "These aren’t a bunch of tools, their my kids inheritance"
    "I thought I knew a lot, I went to WIA, now I have a lot to learn"
    "WIA, only for the strong at heart"

  • Ron Hahn

    Working wood- let the chips fall where they may

  • Jim Arnold

    scrap wood
    old tools
    day off

  • Bob Watson


  • Nat Adams

    or more simply:

    Our vices are plane.

    Do you really want to say ‘the log won’ at a conference like this? Funny but a bad reflection on the toolmakers, not to mention the craftsmen!

  • Nat Adams

    Our vices are plane at this joint.

  • Randy Asher

    "I Work for Tools"
    "Ask Yourself… What Wood Norm Do?"
    "My Friends are a Bunch of Tools"
    "Wood You Be Mine"
    "I (heart) Wood… Because I’m a Tool"
    "May the Grain be with You"
    "Pimp my Wood"
    "Everyone Loves my Wood"
    "Been There… Sawed That."

  • jim williams

    I’ll take the sticks and you get the stones…

    What can you do with your wood ???

    What will you do with your wood ???

  • Greg Merrell

    My wife suggested the following:

    I came
    I saw
    I measured
    I sawed again


  • Bill Stevenson

    It’s what kind of wood????
    It’s from where?????
    Wow thats cool!

  • George Clark

    WIA 2010
    The Schwarz Revival

  • George Clark

    Front: WIA 2010 in small letters

    Back: Large single color graphic of Chris
    with WIA 2010 in larger letters

    I’m not sure if this would be considered humorous but I’d buy one.


  • Bill

    If I had a hammer I’d????

  • Brian Geffre

    1)WIA (in government block letters)
    So much better than the CIA

    Here to establish wood domination

    3) WIA
    Our goal is wood domination

  • Don Williams

    Fundamental Forces of the Cosmos

    Strong Interatomic Forces
    Weak Interatomic Forces

    Any Questions?

  • Ed in Lawrence, KS

    WIA Cincinnati – Strop ’til You Drop

    WIA – Knatty Nickers For Everyone (front)
    Working Wood With Handtools – Never Out Of Fashion (back)

  • Larry

    If you can read this, you’re probably in my shop–don’t touch ANYTHING!

    Measure twice Cut once Sit in the moaning chair

    runcinavi, serravi, superavi
    (I planed, I sawed, I conquered)

    Craftsmen do it on the edge (may not pass the church-picnic test. and I’m not even certain whether I like it or not, but there you go…)

    How about just the word "Craftsman" on the front? No, it’s not funny, but it might be kinda cool…

    I’ll probably come back for a third round, at least…

  • dave rodgers

    I fought the log and the log won.

  • John Clark

    There is no such thing as too many vices!

  • BJ Kavanaugh

    "Board Feet" is Not an Ailment.

    Does this shirt make my Ash look fat?

  • Larry

    "and you will know us by the trail of sawdust."

    borrowing, if I remember correctly, from C. Schwarz:"holding furniture-shaped objects in disdain since 2009"

    "You’re doing it wrong!"

    "Ask me about my duplex fillister" (or moving fillister…or whatever’s funny…if anything along these lines is…sigh…)

    As always, I’ll probably come up with more right after I post this, so…

  • SeanA

    "You can have my infill plane when you pry my cold dead fingers from the tote."

  • Oz

    My only transgression: WIA 2010

  • The Village Carpenter

    Where’d you ever get such a fine, sweet axe?


    I never saw such a fine, sweet axe before.

    (Obviously, axe and saw graphics)

  • Stephen Shepherd

    The same as my six word epitaph:

    ‘Keep your feet off the furniture.’


  • If woodworking be the food of love then plane on.

    Come and wedge your tenon at WIA.

    I got my tenon wedged at WIA.

    I’m with the crook.

    Finger joint with a picture of a finger and a joint!

    Apparently I go against the grain.

    If I see another chisel I’ll skew!



  • Jeff Jones

    Wooworking is easy when you don’t know how, but very difficult when you do.

    Thou shalt not covet my tools.

    Tools make the man.

  • Jason

    "No, there is NOT an ap for that!"

  • Jason

    "Woodworking in America…
    Because they won’t let us on a plane with our tools"

  • Woodworking in America: Put your cheek on my shoulder

  • Rick Rutten

    WIA: Galoots R US

  • Jon

    Picture of dividers followed by:
    "Divide and Conquer"

    or a slight modification of the one above (Jeremy Kriewaldt’s):
    "All my other shirts are flannel"

    Jon Shakespear

  • Ric

    Chris did what with his pricker?!

  • Geoff Malange

    WIA 2010
    I CAME.
    I SAW.
    I …

    … actually, can I borrow some money for food.

    Real Galoots eat nails for breakfast.

    Ya … well you’ve got a big Galootius Maximus!

  • Eric

    the orgasm of wood when touched by steel


  • Geoff Malange

    Hide glue: Not just for breakfast anymore.

  • Tom Collins

    Be sure to read, understand, and follow…

  • Geoff Malange

    How about :

    Hug a Galoot


    If woodworking were exercise you could bounce a quarter off my butt

    Geoff M

  • Patrick

    1. WIA – Where all joints are legal.
    2. WIA – Woodworking in America is W_here I_ts A_t!
    3. Its more than plane – its fantastic.
    4. Not so plane anymore!
    5. Its not about the tool – its what you did with it.
    6. So much wood, so little time.

  • SeanA

    First, who goes to church picnics anymore? And if you are clever enough, the people who are pure enough to get offended won’t get the joke (^:

    Just make sure it is funny. (Not saying my ideas below will be!)

    >>WIA: More tools in one place than ComicCon

    >>WWRD? (subtitle: What Would Roubo Do?)

    >>I cut it twice and it’s still too short! (full disclosure: somebody’s forum signature on WN or SMC)

    >>Honey, I can build that much cheaper!

    >>Top 10 Woodworking phrases that sound dirty but aren’t:
    _____I can’t get it to go in the hole!
    _____Is this wood too hard?
    _____Darn, I just stripped my nuts!
    _____Just pound it in!
    _____Aim for a friction fit.
    _____Don’t clamp it too tight or you’ll get squeeze out
    _____Rub out the finish
    _____Proper layout is critical
    _____Big Wood Vise
    _____Tails first

    (need help with more here but you get the idea!)

  • Dan Miller

    Front: What does Rev. Ron, St. Roy and the Schwarz have in common?
    Back Wood Working in America 2010

  • Michael Rogen

    What happens in WIA
    Stays in WIA

  • Mark Wells

    NOW I can start your project, Honey.


  • Laurie Grace

    Wood-plane fun

    Wood-The original green material

    It’s knot a mistake, it’s a design enhancement!

    Sawdust? What sawdust? (with a picture of a sawdust covered woodworker)

    Saw dust? I saw wood!

    Why yes, that Is a chip on my shoulder!


  • Square is an enigma

  • robert anderson

    I snuck everything else into the shop

  • Leo

    In Lignum Veritas

    (truth is in wood)

  • David V

    WIA 2010 Remix – Unplugged
    (It’s like an obscure band you never heard of, but even cooler)

  • Alan

    You have to eat a lot of sawdust before you get to the knot hole!

  • Robert Carriou

    Kerf’s You!

  • JJ O'Neill

    (graphic of plane)
    Wore a plane shirt at the WIA

    (graphic of rabbet joint)
    I’m hunting screwy rabbets at the WIA

    (graphic of joint)
    Happiness is Tongue and Groove

    (Graphic of wood vice)
    Woodworking is my favorite Vice

  • philip williams

    WIA: Just plane boring (with, of course, a picture of a plane and a brace)

  • Ron

    I’m plane fun.

    I’m into plane fun.

    Just plane fun.

    Sorry, I’m love aircraft too…… it’s hopeless. :p

  • Gary Adams

    If it’s a caption for the photo at the beginning of the blog, I submit

    "Real Woodworkers Always Wear Jeans."

  • Gary Adams

    Two columns: "Progress"

    30,000 BC Today

    Picture of sharp rock – Picture of handplane

    Picture of blunt rock – Picture of hammer

    Picture of caveman – Same picture of caveman

  • Jonas Jensen

    I have a chip on my shoulder.
    I have several chips on my shoulder

  • Chris Griggs

    "Woodworkers do it with eye protection…"


    "United We Sand"

  • Russell Bookout

    How about

    Woodworking – The third oldest profession.

    Actually, I like "Be a joiner…"

  • Vic

    The Head on a Babe comment is me…I’m really not tryin to be anonymous. I’m just stupid.

  • I’d use Kari’s Photoshopped "Chris’s Head on a Babe" with the slogan: I GOT WOOD AT WIA, or for the more PC crowd, WIA – NOT JUST A WOODFEST. You can donate my royalties to your favorite church.

  • Mike Holden

    21st Century Technology
    18th Century Techniques!

  • Charles Davis

    — playing with the phonetically similar interpretation of WIA, WE-A…
    -If WIA can dream it… WIA can build it.
    (if too long can remove the "cans" and dispose of in the proper recycling bins)

  • Ed

    Woodworking… Better more off than Moron.

  • dave rodgers

    Recession? I’ll scrape by.

  • Rick Rutten

    A few ideas:

    WIA: Knot your average bunch of tools.
    Woodworkers are plane sharp people.
    Woodworkers: Not your average Knotheads.
    Be a joiner, start woodworking.
    Woodworking is green! And red and black and blue…
    Its not scrap, I am recycling..
    Blood, sweat, tears.. Who needs stain?
    Woodworking in America: Pioneering organic profanity since 1607.
    WIA 2010: Cut, gouged, scraped, hammered, planed, finshed. And I loved it!
    WIA 2010: So much fun its almost illeagal.


  • Danny Byrd

    Firemen may be hot, but Cabinet makers have Hardwood!

  • Christopher Landy

    I guess it should be:

    "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck???….

  • Christopher Landy

    How much wood could a woodchuck chuck???…..

  • Jay

    Just one of Chris’s Roubo(tic) followers

  • Matt Stachoni

    "Turning Big Wood into Little Wood On Purpose"
    "Sawing Logs Since Sometime This Morning"
    "Someday, I Swear, I’m Gonna Build That Roubo"

  • I wood. So you can wood, too.

    I’ll wood if you’ll wood!

    I’m planed flat, straight, and smooth since attending Woodworking In America.

    Back in a minute, I need to make more sawdust.

    Put a dovetail in it!

    Power tools are faster, but hand tools are more sensual.

    I mortise so I can joint.

    I admit it: I’m a chiseler.

    My bench is bigger than your bench.

  • Kaleo Kala

    "The best wood is in the crotch"

  • Chuck Brewer

    So much wood, so little time.

  • Mark


    (Picture of Jesus Winking and giving the thumbs up)

    Its biblical

  • Steve Osterday

    I’ve been jointed, you get planed.

  • Steve Osterday

    I got clamps, lets glue together.

  • J. Martin

    Front of Shirt: "I have no wood."
    Back of Shirt: "Will work for wood."

  • Front of Shirt: "I have no wood."
    Back of Shirt: "Will work for wood."

  • Mike Root

    1. Every time I hand cut I cut hand.
    2. I tuned my woody at WIA.

  • Chris Jacques

    I wood.
    ( insert favorite hand tool picture with model here )
    wood you?

  • David

    Re comment 1 – My son said I should amend my recommendation by adding on the back of the shirt

    "And none of them are very sharp"

  • Jeremy Kriewaldt

    "My other shirts are plaid"

  • Michael

    Planes are tools too!!!

  • Gene

    – Got Wood? (OK – doesn’t pass the church picnic test)
    – Woodworking in America – est. 1607 (see: Jamestown)
    – The Schwarz IS with me!
    – WIA: Hand Tools, Fine Woods and Puffy Shirts, Oh My!
    – WIA: Tools of Joy


  • Trevor Walsh

    "Got Wood?" With a cartoon bust of Schwarz, complete with planer shaving beard.

  • Jon Spelbring

    "Kerf’s Up" (with a saw riding a surfboard or something)

  • joel moskowitz

    My Dad went to WIA and all I got was a txt saying there was no money left for T-shirts after he bought his tools.


    "I planed, I sawed, I conquered"

    Jay Tennier

  • David

    "What a bunch of Tools" surrounded, of course, by a bunch of tools.

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