Chris Schwarz's Blog

Winner of Our Pomposity Contest

If we ever change the name of our magazine to Erudite Blowhard Wood Finery, I know exactly where to get the headlines for all the projects we’ll publish: The comments on this blog entry.

We had more than 90 readers enter our contest to come up with the most pompous name for a piece of furniture. Picking the winner was difficult. Here’s the scientific way I did it: I picked my 10 favorite then read them out loud at the staff meeting this morning. The one that got the biggest laugh won the contest.

Here’s the winner from Ed Furlong:

“Chiaroscuro: Intersect between the bedded angle and the angle of repose , A soliloquy in figured wood and A2 steel.”

Ed wins a copy of “500 Cabinets” , plus an ascot and a matching pocket square (not really). But wait. Two other pompous titles got such good response from the staff that I’ve decided arbitrarily to award them copies of my new “Build an 18th-century Workbench” DVD.

Here is David V’s entry:

“The Death of Woodworking”

Featuring three apparently rough cut boards that were actually hand planed and meticulously carved with a carving knife to resemble rough cut wood.

1) A 2 foot square walnut board. Individually titled, “Walnut Square.”

2) A 2 foot square cherry board. Individually titled, “Yorkshire Countryside in Blue”

3) A 2 foot square maple board. Individually titled, “A 2 foot square maple board.”

It should be noted that the edge of the famous “Yorkshire Countryside in Blue” has a spot that appears to have been a drop of blood from a sharp carving knife. The spot is actually a deconstructionist narrative of the myth of woodworking to demonstrate the personality of the board and any further working on the wood destroys the true beauty of the wood through social conformity. This psychoanalytical embodiment created a radical shift from the hegemony of abstraction in a way that no one actually understands.

The three pieces are on display on a simple table. The table has been titled, “Bob.”

And here is Matt Sinclair’s entry:

“Neighbors’ mysteriously missing tree”

A note for our winners: Drop me a line with your mailing address. Our e-mail system didn’t capture your e-mails correctly. And thanks to everyone. When I become a pompous studio furnituremaker (and change my name to an un-writable series of hoots and whistles), you guys can name my windmills.

– Christopher Schwarz

2 thoughts on “Winner of Our Pomposity Contest

  1. John Orvis

    "Neighbors’ mysteriously missing tree" is the height of hubris (most likely a French word) and very funny (tre drole).

    I’ve advised my brother,Steve, a pro woodworker, to change his name to Etienne and sport a beret and to speak only nonsense and or flowery words so he can raise his prices.

    If you do this again, the prize should be a copy of Tom Waits song "The Piano has been Drinking"

  2. Dave Kirkby

    I just sat my HSC trial English exam this morning…..
    "Chiaroscuro: Intersect between the bedded angle and the angle of repose – A soliloquy in figured wood and A2 steel."
    This is just made my day. Thankyou

    PS: I have my Technics major work due at the end of the week. Its my take on a Krenov cabinet. Looking forward to it

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