Chris Schwarz's Blog

Ridiculous Woodworking Books

Everybody has a list of woodworking books they enjoy and a stack of woodworking books that they never should have bought (anything with “Krenovian birdhouses” in the title). And most woodworkers have a list of woodworking books that they wish would get published someday.

That is not what we are writing about today. Below are the books that should never see the light of day. Or are simply ridiculous. Joel Moskowitz, the founder of Tools for Working Wood, came up with 11 sample titles below. Have a look:

“The Complete Guide To Honing Guides”
“Woodworking and Intellectual Property Law for Forum Posters”
“Lost in a Tool Tray – The Search for the Hidden Marking Knife”
“Seven Excuses for not Finishing Your Kitchen Cabinets”
“Tool Purchase Budgeting”
“Interesting Uses for Rarely Used Tools”
“101 Party Suggestions for those ‘I’ve Finished a Project’ Parties”
“Popular Woodworking’s Guide to the Writings of Chris Schwarz”
“How to Increase Productivity When You Have Internet Access At Work”
“How to Make Your Own Folding Chairs”
“A Price Guide to Lie-Nielsen Boxes and Packing Materials”

Of course, Joel’s list prodded me to make up my own. I don’t know if I can top that “price guide” book. That one almost made me soil myself. Here goes:

“$10 Bed Rocks and Unicorns that Poop Rainbows”
“Make Your Own BBQ Grill — From Wood!”
“Craft Fair Crap”
“Still More Craft Fair Crap”
“‘Nice Crotch!’ and 600 Other Naughty-sounding Woodworking Terms”
“How to Murder Trees and Make Stuff With Their Flesh”
“Plywood Silhouettes of Famous French Monarchs”
“I Hate Tools That Cost More than $1 (And the People Who Buy Them)”
“How to Make $40,000 a Year at Woodworking” (Oops, this actually is a real book!)

OK humorous woodworkers. Here’s your chance. Leave the title of your most ridiculous imaginary book in the comments below. By the way, this is all a joke. So if you’re going to leave an angry comment, I’m going to roll my eyes.

- Christopher Schwarz

89 thoughts on “Ridiculous Woodworking Books

  1. Jim

    Jigs for left handed pink french door stops 2nd edition"plus "The compete guide to waxing your turtle" "how to train your dogs not to cheat at cards" "Woodworkers guide to auto repair while carving" "how to avoid friendly people while bowling" How to interrogate your neighbors cat""avoiding trees with bad attitudes.
    "How to Uninstall screens doors in you submarine under water" Seven steps to cleaner dirt"" choosing the correct deoderant by taste"" How to draw air with you eyes closed"" fleas not just for circuses any more"How to itch your ear while rowing a boat and eating a banana"" ducks in history""How nose hair effects your jogging ""How snakes ride bikes"what gorillas do in the mist"" 37 things LJ can stand for""recipes for things you don’t eat""Sleeping the plague of the century""what flies think about""Sawdust the perfect salt substitute"

  2. Ryan

    "Waterboards – Inside the CIA’s Controversial Woodworking Techniques"

    "Shop Furniture – How to Avoid Real Woodworking Through Ongoing Shop Projects"

    "Completely Useless Jigs and other Beginners’ Woodworking Projects"

  3. Don McKinnon

    "The Best route to go in making a Router Table"

    "How to Remove Your Worts on a Belt Sander"

    "Cutting Edge for Finger Joints on a Table Saw"

    "Checking Planer Thickness with Fingers to Avoid Ruining Expensive Wood"

  4. Mack McKinney

    The Collector’s Guide to Typing the Skil Jigsaw; a Pocket Guide
    The Burn Test: A Craftsman’s Guide to Project Boo-Boos
    Belt Sander Blood & Gore (Maybe just a website here.)
    The Cordless Drill Book (Taunton Press?)
    Table Saw Magic; Wait, Where’d That Lumber Go?
    The Other Workbench Book
    The Dictionary of Router Bits
    Early American Spindle Sanders
    The Mechanics Companion, or the Elements and Practice of Carpentry, Joinery, Bricklaying, Masonry, Slating, Plastering, Painting, Smithing, Turning, and Auto Manufacture, Comprehending the Latest Improvements, and Containing a Full Description of the Shopsmith, With Copious Directions for It’s Use (With apologies to Peter Nicholson)

  5. Alan L Falk

    Rugged balsa furniture — Secrets of thick veneering.

    Add just one port — How to use your home’s central vacuum system as a shop vac, too.

    Doll-house dishware: your lathe can turn small twigs into collectors’ items.

    Why your table saw doesn’t _really_ need to be level.

    And your workbench, too.

    How to return that gallon of glue for store credit.

    No, you can’t use Krazy-Glue(R) for _Everything_.

    2001 uses for Krazy-Glue(R)

    How to organize your workshop using your GPS.

    Measure Once: "Real Men" -Style Woodworking.

    Yes, your fingernail may grow back.

    Sorting screws and nails.

    Woodworking Economics 101: Depreciation tables for fine woods — from the store to your finished project.

    and please send me an autographed copy of…

    The Anal-Retentive Woodworker’s Guide to Shop Organization and Wood Scrap Management!

  6. Randall Nelson

    Some of these are hilarious! That said….

    1)101 uses for a severed finger.
    2)The board stretcher bible.
    3)The appropriate curse when you hit a nail with your new Lie Neilson hand plane.
    4)Why to buy a $400 tool for a $200 project
    5)I told my wife how much I paid for my new tool…and lived! (fiction)

  7. Randy Stefaniak

    1. There’s no such thing as Scrap Wood. I’ll make something out of it some day.

    2. Building that lumber rack for 500 board feet of small pieces that have been in the box in the corner for 10 years.

  8. Wayne

    -"U.S. ARMY SPECIAL FORCES MEDICAL HANDBOOK FOR WOODSHOP INJURIES"
    -"DIY CABINET SAW MADE ENTIRELY OF WOOD"
    -"MARRIED COUPLES GUIDE TO WOOD MAKING"
    -"MARRAIGE COUNSELING FOR WOODWORKING COUPLES"
    -"DIVORCE COUPLES GUIDE TO WHO GETS WHAT IN THE WOODSHOP"
    -"CONVINCING ARGUMENTS FOR NEW TOOLS-YES I CAN"
    -"PREVENTING HAMMER-THUMB COLLISIONS..WHO HAS THE RIGHT OF WAY"
    -"MAKNG BOOKCASES PER MIL-SPEC"
    -"PRISON WOODSHOP PROJECTS-REPLICA WOOD GUNS AND JAILER KEYS"
    -"DIY WOODEN TERMITE FEEDER"
    -"MAKING WOOD CHAINS FOR YOUR BOAT ANCHOR"
    -"INSURANCE ADJUSTERS GUIDE FOR DENYING WOODSHOP INJURIES"
    -"HOW TO WIN A WOODSHOP INJURY CLAIM"
    -"MORE DIY WOODEN TERMITE FEEDERS"

  9. Ed Straub

    "A Batchelor’s Guide to Tool Collecting"
    "Words you may never hear, like "But where are we going to put it"".
    "One more for the shop"
    "How to give away wood faster than you collect it."
    "Got sand paper?"
    "A woodworker’s guide to Bondo"
    "How to recognize Purple Heart cribbing"
    "How to accept free wood without being pickey"
    "A short walk from the fire wood pile to the carver’s bench"
    Got to stop cause these sound to much like working titles.

  10. Jeff Skiver

    OK…I’m late to the game. I only found out about this today. However, after a quick 5 minutes of thought, here are the first six that I came up with.

    1) Kickback for Distance and Style: Home Table saw tricks to delight the NASCAR enthusiast

    2) Your Kid Sucks!!!!! – The definitive guide to winning the Pine Wood Derby

    3) Home Dust Explosions, The Car That Runs on Water, and The Grassy Knoll Shooter – Conspiracy Theories Debunked

    4) Alternating Ring Growth – My failed search for flat glue-ups

    5) #$^&)&* YOU, FESTOOL!!!!! — The Radial Arm Saw Owners Bible

    6) Uncle Mike’s Mortise and Tenon – a Pop-up Book by NAMBLA

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