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Years ago we had a Caption the Cartoon contest in every issue of the magazine. Bob Rech would draw a cartoon, and readers would send in postcards suggesting captions. It was my job to sort the hundreds of postcards (“funny ha-ha,” “funny strange” and “deeply troubled”).
After several years we discontinued to contest to make space for other columns in Popular Woodworking, but I do miss the contest.
So here’s one for old time’s sake. Above is a great photo of turner Dave Lancaster in his shop after a long session at the lathe. Write a caption for this photo before midnight April 5 and leave it in the comments below. The best caption will win a copy of our new “The Best of Shops & Workbenches” CD, which has 62 of our favorite articles on building benches, setting up your shop and filling it with the jigs you need. (You can see a slideshow of the contents of our $15 CD here.)
– Christopher Schwarz
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wood lathe? I thought you wanted me to use a block plane!
Hi Mom, You know that box of toothpicks you wanted me to pickup at the store. I saved you some money!!!
#1. "Hello, Wood Shop. I think I made a mistake."
#2. "I can’t believe I turned the whole thing!"
#3. "How much pressure was I to put on the gouge?"
"Got shavings?… Turn it into Cash"
"What are you wearing?"
Yeah!…so the wife said if you like it so much out in the shop, maybe you should just sleep out there! Man! This stuff is better than my Sleep Number Bed!
Hello, Jimmy Johns???….
one good turn deserves another…and another…and another…
"I was right, those hamsters have it made!"
Hey I got to go, I have to get up and look busy I here my wife coming.
Man talking on the phone "I hope my Wife doesnt find out what I really do in the shop"
Nah, I tried the snow angel thing already…too many splinters.
Caption:
"There’s no chips, like wood chips
Like no chips I know.
Everything about it is appealing……
Lets go on with the show! er:Phone call!"
With apologies to Irving Berlin!
"Can you believe that some people pay top dollar for this kind of therapy?"
"I thought it would be relaxing, but it feels like potato peelings"
"So I tell everyone that I’m working hard, but you know the rest…" {hardly working}
"Hello, Do you know if my shop vac is still under warranty?"
Yes Honey, I know dinners ready. I’m almost done. I just have a bit of vacuuming to do.
aah! a hard days work, my mattress done at last.
"Beam me up Scotty"
"WARNING: If you experience a lathe turning session lasting longer than four hours, call your doctor immediately."
Can you get an ambulance out here right away? I just swallowed an apple tree and I can’t stop crapping out
shavings!
"Yeah, Chris? Dave here. Ya know that story on hand-turned chair legs I was making prototypes for? Why don’t we push that to next month and do a head-to-head comparison of the latest shop-vacs. Yeah, we can use my shop…"
Hell No! Of course I do not want to purchase an extended warrany on my ’74 Chevy pickup.
….ah nothin’, just making toothpicks.
Sorry honey, but to spin sawdust into gold I’ll need to buy a few more tools.
If it lights, it lights – – we’ll leave the rest to the readers to decide!!!!
Yeh, I told her I’d be right back.
"Seriously, Honey. Why don’t you come over for a roll in the shavings"
So, THIS is how a Hamster lives……
Together we can shave the world!
Didn’t you always say, "Let the chips fall where they may"?
Yes I just finished that bed you ordered
Yes honey I know I was wrong. Yes dear I made my bed now I have to lie in it.
After the dust collector exploded, Dave phoned in an order for 6-pack and a pizza to drown his sorrows.
Home Sweet Home
Hey, Larry. This is Dave. I can’t find my smoothing plane. Can I borrow yours?
Hi, is this Larry Ellison? Oh, hi, Larry… just wanted to let you know that the new mast for your yacht is done.
"Ya boss, I finished planing that wood you asked me to. Is there anything else you want me to do before lunch…"
Hi, is this Larry Ellison? Oh, hi, Larry… just wanted to let you know that the new mast for your yacht is done.
What! your horse died?! What am I supposed to do with all these wood shavings?
the doctor said I am do any day now….yeah I have the bedding ready.
I am now working on a minature bowl for a lady’s doll house….Oh sure it is tedious work but I am almost done with it now.
Do I need to clean the dust collector???
"I really like the texture – you can’t do this with sawdust"
Hello Wildlife control…I think I have been invaded by beavers..
yeah I decided to challenge my turning skills so I am working on a segmented bowl. Do you think 2 million pieces is over the top?
Hello, wood turners anonymous… I think I have a problem.
Hello ? Chipbusters Anonymous Hotline ???
Hello Bob, this is Dave. I have a question… how much do you have to turn off before you know it is perfectly round?….. oh… crap!
I know I promised… but I’m up to my a#!@# in wood shavings!!!!!
Yes Dear! I finally finished those 1000 toothpicks you wanted…and you want how many more?
"At just $5 per sack including delivery, your wife will think you have been working hard all day!"
The "Lancaster Shavings Bed"
Yes, Hello?…
I’m calling about the free information on the Gorilla Monsoon Dust Collection System?
Hello mom I’ve given up shaving.
Hmmm… I wonder where there’s a solvent "shavings bank" to deposit this in!
"Hmmm…I wonder where there’s solvent "shavings bank" to put this in!"
I can’t believe I shaved the whole thing!
"Someday I’m gonna have to fix that pencil sharpener"
Yes dear the new bed is turning out to be very comfortable.
"Strung up? Just add a spark, you’ll feel much better in the after-world"
"Hello, does threshing timber really yield any fruit?"
"Now that I have shaved, where do I go next?"
Honey? What do mean by you’ve been waiting for me for lunch since yesterday?!
Hello? Oneway? I seem to have lost my tailstock. I wonder if…
If Dave were an Aussie…
Yea mate, been flat out like a lizard drinkin’. Oh, and when yas manages ta break yasself away from the shiela’s at the pub, I could use a bit of a hand down here. I’ll have a couples a stubbies in the esky, fire up the barby and throw a coupla snags on fer laters.
Cheers, mate. Tata fer now. See yas soon.
Mattress Stuffing — Easy to Make —- Check Out PFD for full directions
"No honey, I have no idea what happend to the cherry tree in the front yard!"
"Chip happens"
"I think I’m ready to turn some store bought wood now"
"Tell me again, how fast did Ellsworth rough out those 1000 bowls? I might have beat him this time!"
"It was 7 yrds of hardwood multch you needed, right?"
"Hey Tim the Tool Man Taylor, I tried that souped up lathe you sent me…"
why dont you guys come on over tonight we can hang out in the shop ive got some great ideas for the place
Dear, I just made us a bed and you said I was just wasting my time in the shop.
hey honey can you call the horse farm back and tell them im done the order
You know that porch column I was turning for ya? I can’t seem to find it – just this toothpick!
They really grow the hamsters big here and smart enough to talk on the phone but man, are they ever lazy!
…then Penny told Sarah that she liked Brian but he could not like Penny because Kim told Amy that if Brian and Penny went steady that she… Kim not Amy, would not like Jeff anymore because his shop has too many new tools and everybody knows that too many tools means that boys night means mandatory girls night and if I cant have my woodworking time then I…
Hello. Is this Rainbow Stables? This is Dave Lancaster. I finally finished turning the horse bedding you requested. You can pick it up anytime. Bring your shovel.
"…So I said to this guy, "Dust collection is very important. Invest in a good system that keeps your shop clean, and you won’t regret it…."
Honey, I got the whole box of toothpicks turned.
"Hello 911, I think I may have overdosed on spalted maple."
What do you mean there were TWO needles here?
Hi honey, I think I have enough shavings to stuff that new mattress you wanted. I used cedar so it will smell good as well. Love ya!
No honey I have not seen the dog!
"Nothing like making your own bed of sawdust to relax in…"
By the way, do you have any more of of that special walnut?
"Well, Joe, let me tell you… seeing that John Deere tractor motor modified as a table router was a beauty! So… um… would you happen to have any extra oak for those picture frames?"
No, mom says I can’t come out and play until I clean the shop.
Hey, Honey… I got the new bed you wanted finished. Come on out to the shop and check it out.
"Yeah, hang on. I’m sure he’s here somewhere? I’ll see if I can’t dig him up for you."
Hey, you’ve got to come over and try out my new bench plane!
Hey, this Dave Lancaster. I just wanted to confirm that you were coming by today to get some shavings for the horse barn. Right! $1.00 a bag.
Last thing I remember was turning the speed up on the OneWay
How thin did you say you wanted that tree trunk?
Gary! You got to get over here!
We’re making "Shaving Angels"!
Wooooo, hooooooooo!!!!
I made my bed and I will lay in it.
OK Karl, remember our bet? You said that I can’t make a wooden puzzle that you cant put back together? Come on over and bring the $100.
I could just plotz…….
"Yes your majesty, there really is a pea under here."
Hi Honey if your in the lawn and garden section don’t worry about the mulch, No really I think we got it covered.
Dammit,I need a bigger shop!
Hello….Life Alert……I have fallen and I don’t want to get up.
And Dave the pudgy hampster knew that if he kept running around his nest of wood shavings, one day, he would be a real boy…
UH,,yes sir,about that whole shop dust collection system we talked about last month..Is it still on sale and how fast can you get it to me??
Dail-A-Prayer.
"Now I Lathe me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my shop to sweep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my Lathe to take. Amen!"
But, you have to take these shavings or my wife will insist on getting the chickens now.
i was trying to find the perfect design for a great big burl. when i finished it was wood chips and sawdust
Yes dear, I remembeed to shave.
1. This is who? Fire Marshall Bill… and you have who with you? The electrical inspector!!!
2. No really… I’m not kidding! I really am floating on a bed of wood.
3.That’s right… I “need” the grandchildren to come visit. I have a great weekend planned for them.
4.Come check it out… Of all the crazy things I’ve done… this one “turned” out the best! (groaner)
Thank-you Mr. President and thank-you congress. The Stimulus Package is working nicely. I’ve almost hit bottom!
What do you mean no stimulus check?
Did you tell him it was a “Shovel Ready” Project?
Sure beats the couch I slept on last night!
You wanted three too Towsend? I thought you said thirty-two thousand!
I didn’t forget dear… I’ll be in as soon as I tidy up a bit!
"Yeah, lunch was great, but I had to bring my own toothpick."
"Pets are Us", you can come and get those cedar shavings you ordered anytime.
Could I get a 7 AM Dust Collection Wakeup Call
Sometimes too much fiber can be quite comfortable.
"Yeah the dump truck of shavings just arrived… and people think I work… idiots"
A bad time to get a call from the Fire Marshall on his way to take a look around.
Approximately 10% of the shavings surrendered.
…and how much to just sweep the floor?
I love my Lathey Boy! Anyone seen the remote?
Hello, Heff? Yah, were ready for that Shop Calendar shoot.
"I know those horses were here yesterday!"
"I’m stuffed!"
"My turning rates are reasonable, but clean up will cost you"
‘Oh #&%@,…….did you say stripper?…. I thought you said to use the chipper!’
"Hey Jim, this is Dave. Could you lend me your ladder?" … "You see, I was turning a project and my grip slipped and now my gouge is in the rafters." … "Yea, sure, I can wait." …
‘Hello, 911? I found that scratch awl I had lost, but I’m afraid to move……Send Help….I’ll wait here!’
‘Fire code?….Well of course I know what a code is!! In fact, my fire extinguisher is right under the window!………’
Eureka!!! I finally found it!!!!
You have HOW MANY logs you want me to pick up today?
Nope. Haven’t started yet. Just getting my head around the design.
About that antique oak desk, there was a small incident in the shop…
You’ve got the wrong number, but that’s OK — just keep talking for awhile.
No, all of the wood arrived today, that’s not the problem!
My wife thinks some of my dream projects are nightmares!
"…Hello.. Huh? .. no, no your not interupting, I am just here in the shop trying to become one with my work…Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…"
Hello, Life ALert? I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! No, I can’t turn anymore. That’s what got me in this mess to begin with!
….So then she said, "It’s me or the lathe".
It must have been a big rat who built this nest!
Tom, stop by the house and pick up the bobcat, I need to do a little cleaning up at the shop.
"Turning relaxes me"
Ah, woodchips. The only way to relax while on hold with the unemployment office.
Hello lens crafters cancel my perscription for those new glasses, I found my contacts.
Hey Hon, that new bed I promised I,d make is really comin’ along. Yeah, it’s really comfy too!!!
"Glad you called, I was just about to install my new insulation."
Next time I suspect the dust collector is full, I better check it.
"Worst catch I’ve ever had!"
"Yeah I agree that using a 36 inch log to turn a 1/4 inch dowel might be a waste of wood but look at the money I saved. Plus I didn’t burn any gas driving to Lowes. How’s that for being ‘good for the planet’?"
Hello ten pin bowling ally the pins are ready. What you wanted ten bowls not ten pins? Hmmmmm.
I’VE FALLEN IN MY WOOD CHIPS AND CAN’T GET UP!!!!!!
…and the best thing is that if my wife is looking for me, all I have to do is burrow in and she’ll never find me.
Caption:
"Yes Honey I am getting to work on the items you left me to do around the house while you are visiting your mother."
"Honey, I don’t know WHAT happened. The last thing I remember is chugging that six pack of Red Bull and thinking, ‘Hmmm, time to try out that new treadle lathe’. Next thing I know, I’m flat on my back."
"Yeah, Pest Control…about that advice you gave me to use Ipecac to treat my termite problem…"
Jeezus Krise! You want another how many of those little thingies?
No, lady. I swear it’s as comfortable as memory foam, and a lot cheaper!
"I hit it BigTime! I’m in the Chips NOW!"
Hello, I need to order some wood glue… I can fix this!
"No, no…… I really am comfortable like this. I was born in a barn. Yeah……."
Yes, I’d like to order some rock maple… the poplar is just too soft.
The salad bowl business just isn’t working our for me. I’m thinking of going into animal bedding instead.
I think it’s flat now!
Pressed board? you didn’t say how small the pieces needed to be or what to use for the press.
"Hey, Dad, remember when you used to call me a little shaver…?"
Hello, Mr President, I think that I have found the weapons of mass destruction!
"Hello, Domino’s? I’d like to order a large…"
"And you thought woodworking was a bed of roses"
Caption "I wonder what my grandson did with that last piece of that Heart Pine that we need to finish his bed???"
Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t find my shop vac.
"Really, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!!"
Oh, no rush, my wife thinks I’m cleaning the shop.
Just called to tell you, I finished the bed I was making for you on the lathe!
Hello Honey, I think I will be sleeping in the shop tonight!
Tell me again, are you wearing just a turner’s apron and face shield? That’s so hot!
Who knew a dust collector could reach critical mass?
I should have rolled in the hey because something happened to my figure.
I’m calling to see if I could borrow your gouge. For
some reason I can’t find mine.
"Now tell me this glue works well with thin edges?" I trying to make some boards!
Help! My dust collector just blew up!
Headquarters, Canadian Goose Benevolent Society
Dave, Bob,
what have i been doing all day. Why laying in the wood for winter.
Hey, I finally got that toothpick made for you.
WHAT DOWNTURN IN THE ECONOMY,I AM SEEING A HUGE UPTURN IN MY BUSINESS, I AM STILL IN THE "CHIPS"!!!
Hey honey, you know all that wood I ordered? I don’t know what happened. No matter how much I cut off, it was still too short!
Now I know what they mean by measure twice; cut once!
Hey MOE, It’s me Curley.
Honey, can you help me find my shop.
Bowled over!
Just another day at the office…
Babe, let’s roll in the chips for our afternoon delight.
Are you sure there’s a work bench here?
"You’ve got to try this. Who says shavings are just for hamsters?"
Honey. I don’t know how they did it, but they found me. I won’t be coming home.
"Honey I think I have the solution for that new mattress you wanted"
Yeah…the realtor says we’re not likely to get our asking price.
"No, Dear! I don’t know where your Mother’s old wooden legs are."
"I thought you said "chipper".
"HELLO!, Yes this is the Carpenters Union Shavings Bank"
Hello, Popular Woodworking. Yes I would like to submit an article on a two billion piece wooden puzzle. Yes, I have it all cut out but could you send over a truck & a couple of people to load it and to have it taken to your showroom for assembly. I am down with a bad back. Thanks.
I can’t believe I planed the whole thing….
Of course, I am working hard. I am up to my neck in shavings.
No, I am not lying on a bed of roses. Why do you ask?
"…No, I don’t have a beard anymore – I just got through shaving."
I believe I’ve finally got the technique down… I need to ride the bevel… ride the bevel…
Yes dear… please don’t be angry pumpkin, I’ll clean it up right away!
Has anybody seen my tv remote?
"I’ve finished lesson 1 of that ‘Turning Wood in Dust’ CD from Popular Woodworking. Can’t wait to get at lesson 2."
"I think I’ve discovered a new form of chipbreaking"
I think I messed up the bed frame you gave me for repairs. It morphed into a pretty good mattress.
Ahhh, I feel like I’ve died and gone to heaven!
Yes, honey, I am cleaning the shop.
Finally fed up with Pinocchio’s lies, Gipetto calls 911 to confess what he’s done.
Hey Chris, that tooth pick’s done mate!
"Please call back after my chip break"
LIFE IN THE CHIPS IS GOOD!!!!
frank,you still got that metal detector,i seem to have lost my keys in the sawdust pile in the shop.
I’ve made my bed and now I’m going to lie in it.
"A Fire Waiting for a Place to Start" All He needs is a Cigar in his hand.
….so I sez "in fact I like your mother-in-law better than mine". Next thing I know I’m on my back in the back yard and the doors are all locked.
The only place I can really relax is in my workshop!
"Control, send more wood; I’ve almost got it!"
Hello Rumpelstiltskin it’s me Dave. I have another job for you.
Customer support I think I have a leak in my dust collection system.
Yes, Alex, I know that you’re being watched closely for steroid use. I just finished hollowing and corking 75 bats for you… Are you SURE you need 75 more?
Yeah, go ahead and ship a new dust bag since the other one ripped open.
Dave (thinking to himself while on the phone): "This place is a mess. I need to clean those cob webs out of the corners."
"Really, no kidding, it feels so good I am not only laying in it, I also stuffed my shirt full of it."
Hey! That wood you sold me was c**p. I couldn’t get one usable piece out of it!
Mr. Smith? Yes, sorry it took so long, but your genuine, hand-made mulch is ready for pickup.
Honey, I realize we’re not going to agree on hardwood or carpets for the den, but I think I’ve found a way we can have both.
"Uh, hello Festool?", "did you say 99.9% efficiency with that dust extractor?"
A Gerbil would’nt have it any better
See, I told you I’d be turning in my grave…
Oh! Just shaving.
Hi Doc? All of a sudden I have this tremendous urge to get into a giant wheel and run like crazy!
"What do you mean fire hazzard?!"
Nope, I’m not busy. Just turning in for the day.
Hey Doc, this all fiber diet is killing me and my Immodium failed miserably. Do you have anything stronger?
Sorry honey, I’ll be late for dinner. I still have to shave…
Hello Acme tool company, I suspect there is something wrong with my dust collection system again!!
I have been infested with Dutch Elm disease, so now I cant get up.
"Hello….Merry Maids?"
Honey….why don’t you invite the local curling club over for dinner….tell them to bring their brooms
Hello Chris? yup I finally get it, go with the grain……..
Hello, I’ve finished that toothpick you ordered
Honey, where’s the broom?
Heaven, I’m in Heaven…
"Hello, Jack? You know those 1500 bowls we needed by tomorrow? Yeah, that was a typo, we only need 15 …. Jack? Jack? Hello? …"
"I tell you it was the best darn toothpick I ever made!"
No, really, I have no idea where I am . . . but it looks like a giant hamster cage full of power tools.
"Shop Cleanup Tutorial Needed " !
Hey, you wouldn’t believe how many shavings came off while making my first custom toothpick!
Hello congressman, have you had any luck getting the steriods away from the baseball players. I can’t keep up with all the broken bats.
"If I only had a brain"
Bad news is the wife wasn’t happy to hear I lost my wedding band; the good news is I already have a place to sleep.
Hi I’d like to place an order for another dozen gross of No. 2 pencils…
Did you just say you haven’t picked up any kitty liter since when??
Ummm, I’m going with the shotgun approach (to be clear, this statement is not entry but a preface to numerous entries)
"Hello 911, I’m calling to report my family has gone missing… Last place I saw them was in my shop this morning"
Dave calls TA (Turners Anonymous) to report that he’s had a bit of setback.
"Hey man, I’m telling you… making shaving angels is a delight"
"Ok, I’m ready… send over the donkeys" (I’m not sure what this means)
HELP, I’ve fallen and I can’t get Up!!!!!!!
AHHHHHH this is the good life.
"Yes, ma’am, I read the warning on the laser about not pointing it towards your eyes, but the part that tells you how to unshrink yourself apparently rubbed off. Yes, I’ll hold . . ."
Hello!
Is this Madam President of Wives Against Schwarz?
No more problem! He is now laid to rest!
Where? About four feet under!
The Life of Riley has nothing on me!
This is the Life of Schwarz!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
(excuse the typo, Chris)!
Chris, yea the wife kicked me out. At least I don’t have to worry about a bed.
That’s right, Officer. Jimmy Hoffa is right under here.
An exclusive behind the scenes shot of the next cover of "LATHEBOY"
As the orders continued to rolled in, Dave frantically tried to cancel the six-month ad in Popular Woodworking for "Hand turned" toothpicks.
Yes, three cases of Titebond II should do it.
You remember that dust collection system that I said I didn’t need, well I’d like to order it now.
That pencil you ordered is done.
Hello, Pet Smart?
Your hamster bed shortage is over!!!!!!
Wassup?
Yes Ma’am, I built your bed. Now, I’m just finishing up the mattress stuffing…
…. so what are you waiting for? There are lots of woodworkers waiting to chat with you! Come on and join the party, dial 1-900-…..
Yes dear, Yes, dear, No Dear, Of Course I remember tonight is opera night. I’m all done for the day, I just need to clean up a bit.
"…what am I doing? .. oh.. just being lathey"
To everything, turn turn, turn. There is a season, turn turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn, turn…
"Yes, technically it IS 40 board feet, but it’s not what I ordered, and you know it."
Hey honey, we have an infestation.. that’s right.. hamsters.
Yes, hi. Do you carry pen turning blanks?
Leroy?… Hey, its Dave. You were right. That watch you lost wasn’t in the center of that 6 foot wide Hickory log. I don’t know what i was thinking.
Can you make it over asap? Great. Bring a defibrillator and a shovel.
Caption for Photo:
Dave, on the phone…
"…just finished turning the legs for your 20 tables. What? Did you say two-inches at the top, tapering to one-inch or vice-versa?"